5months.
It’s been. 5mths. I haven’t completely forgotten. Just so used t drinking, thinking. I guess. I’m numbed out.
Sometimes when I try t go back t th memories. Not because the feelings are still there. I’m just scared I might forget. Everything.
But it hits me though. Why did he wanted t talk t me about on whatsapp?
I have thought about asking him. But somehow or rather. I wouldn’t want t know. Just let it ride away. Start anew.
Cause who knows what awaits for us out there.
Oh and I’ve thought about it. Maybe I didn’t want t move on because simply his my ever first? And partly because I’m simply t lazy t find another.
I remember how tired was I when I was trying t forget this fling. So hard. Then he came along. At first I treated him like a rebound. Then time after, he became a companion. And now that, his leaving? I guess I’m tired of this. Lazy t move on? Thinking it’s true ‘love’. Hahah!
Words I use now. When I read back? I seriously want t kill myself out of clichèness. Hahaha!
Just a log.
If anybody reads this
Don’t hold it against me hahah!
A breakdown of the coming of 2012.
11:57 pm
11:58 pm
11:59 pm
12:00 am
12:01 am
Wished I could use obliviate spell for my feelings.
Trying t get over, very hard.
My mind is there, but my heart is halfhearted.
Everyday my Brain tells me it’s a new day, I try t divert myself into other things. Movies. Th less romance th better. I can’t bring myself t watch anything romance genre anymore. And music? Love songs? Just kills me.
I hate it that I’m so weak. I hate it that my heart kills whatever my mind seeks t conquer.
My heart just hurts so much. It’s like there’s this actual pain. But I know it’s not. It’s my heart’s that’s th actual culprit.
I now do deep breaths, smoke.
Everything seem t remind me. Radio’s on . Th songs. My friends. They went through it with me. And t my dismay my room.
But I told myself. I was heartbroken 2years ago. With a boy named James. I cried and stopped. And waited for his messages. Thinking he would. And soon then after started clubbing. Then found Adam. He looked cool. Was my actual impression. But I still thought of James. But soon after, I started messaging Adam. Th feelings started t build. And sooner a later, got used t it.
I was thinking. Is this right? Not getting over James? Then overtaking feelings like this. Is that th way? Or are you suppose to completely get over, then get into it when your ready.
Maybe there’s just no rule. When you fall, you fall hard. Just make sure to catch you when you fall. No matter what.
But you can never be sure of anything. Never.
Better t keep your heart safe and not trust 100%.
In a long time..
Currently on shift now. Got loads on my mind now.
One of those days you feel like everyone against you. And your trying t be all defensive in all ways.
I have this friend, I mean we did everything together. Used t be all rounded. But then suddenly she changed, she became more arrogant, sarcastic, and maybe a prude.
It’s like every fuxking word I said, would be sarcastically challenged. I swear.
Today she pissed me off, idk why bit she did.
